Home > Creative Writing, Humour, Short Story > Christopher Robin and the station of fear

Christopher Robin and the station of fear

This post was first published on July 5,2010

Alice was waiting on the station platform.
“Flippin’ heck, CR, you look whiter than a nun’s knickers.”
“You are not going to believe it.
“Oh yea,” said Alice, “what happened?”
“After I left you at Buckingham Palace, oh and by the way, what is it with you and those guardsmen, you were grinning like a Cheshire cat when the sergeant offered to darn your socks for you.”
“You know me,” sniggered Alice, “I like a man in uniform”.
“And out of uniform too, from what I have heard”.
“Watch it. Just because ….Hehhhey, CR, who is that?”
“That’s Peter Pevensie”
“Peter Pevensie, what a dish. And that Jabberwocky with him?”
“His sister. Peter, over here. Meet my friend Alice Liddell.”
“Hello, Alice, nice to meet you. This is my sister Susan.”
Susan nodded and took out a compact.
“Where are the others?” asked Christopher Robin.
“ Ed’s buying batteries for his torch”.
“CR was telling a story”, said Alice.
“Oh yes?”
“Well, I was at the Houses of Parliament when…”
“Here they are”, interrupted Peter. “They’ve hooked up with those kids from Hogwarts School? What are their names Susan?”
Susan looked round.“Harry Platter or something, Hermeeone and Ron the redheaded Weasel.”
“Her-my-o-nee”, said Christopher Robin
“What?” said Susan.
Her name is Hermione, Hermione Granger”, said Christopher Robin.
“Oooh”, said Alice, “Miss Granger is obviously no stranger to you, CR. Bit of flutter in your nether regions perhaps?”
“Don’t be a tart, Alice. Hello, chaps, this is Alice.”
“Go on with your story”, said Peter.
“Ooh, I love stories”, said Lucy
“Its just that I met somebody truly frightening this afternoon”.
“You don’t know the meaning of the word frightening”, said Alice. “You should have met the Queen of Hearts. Now that was one scary lady. ‘Off with his head’, she kept bellowing. And she meant it.”
Alice detected a sudden change in Susan’s stance and followed her gaze. Walking along the platform was a tall, blond youth dressed in white. A bead of saliva was running from the side of Susan’s mouth.
“Luke, baby. Luke Skywalker, over here.” yelled Alice triumphantly
Susan replaced the insitnctive snarl with a smile and, surreptitiously unbuttoned the top of her blouse.
Luke approached.
“May the Force be with you Alice”
“Oh cut the intergalactic crap, Luke. Meet this collection of weirdoes.”
“Hello, Luke”, said Susan coyly. “Ooh, what’s that?”
“Don’t touch it,” said Alice,” it extends several times its length and glows red when it’s turned on.”
“I bet it does,” giggled Susan.
“We were talking about scary people”, said Lucy blissfully oblivious of the sexual undercurrent.
“Well, I don’t; think you will ever come across anybody more terrifying than Darth Vader”, said Luke.
“I bet he is nothing like as frightening as the White Witch” piped up Edmund.
“By the mane of Aslan, she was terrifying”, agreed Peter.
“The mane of who?” said Alice.
“Aslan, from Narnia”, said Lucy. “Narnia is a magic land full of talking animals and giants and witches and dwarves and things”.
“What in Azkaban are those?” chirped in Harry, looking towards the gates.
“They’re not dwarves, that’s for sure”, said Edmund.
Two small characters with bare, hairy feet wearing green cloaks were approaching.
“Hello”, said Lucy, “my name is Lucy, and I am a daughter of Eve”.
“Greetings, Lucy, I am Frodo and this is, Sam”.
“Very nice to meet you”, said Lucy, “but what are you?”
“We are hobbits,” said Sam. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“No, actually, it isn’t” said Susan brusquely. There was very little here to tickle her fancy.
“Where do you come from and how did you get here?” said Christopher Robin.
“We have come from Middle Earth, but we have no idea how?”
“Maybe you put on a ring and fell between the worlds” said Lucy.
“How do you know about the ring?” demanded Frodo aggressively, grabbing hold of the chain around his neck.
“That’s how Uncle Digory and Aunt Polly got to Narnia” cried Lucy excitedly.
“Aunt Polly?” came a strange voice.
Everybody looked over towards a dishevelled looking youth wearing a checked shirt, a pair of dungarees, rolled up to his knees and a battered straw hat on his head.
“Don’t you know this a non smoking zone?” said Hermione primly.
“Well, I’ll be darned, whatever next?” said the boy, taking a pipe out of his mouth. “I suppose soon they will ban us from keeping nig….”
“What is your name and where do you come from?” interjected Luke quickly, accurately suspecting that the newcomer was about to say something politically incorrect.
“My name is Tom, Tom Sawyer.”
“Well Tom, nice to meet you,” said Ron Weasly, “we were wondering how Frodo and Sam came here from Middle Earth.
“I imagine they fell through a worm hole in the space-time continuum,” suggested Luke brightly.
“Space-time continuum, my arse”, said Alice.
“An arse. What’s that?” asked Tom.
“It’s what Americans call an ass.”
“Like Eyore,” said Alice, “a real sad ass”.
“I don’t know about sad asses, ‘ceptin maybe, Widow Douglas, but I know a whole heap about bad asses. That Injun Joe, now he was a mean critter.”
“I am sorry”, said Harry, his jagged scar flashing, “but you muggles don’t begin to know scary. “Voldermort would turn you all to jelly.”
“You should see the Dark Riders”, said Sam.
“Or, worse”, said Frodo, “Sauron. Sam, show them the palantir”.
Sam pulled a glass bowling ball from his rucksack.
“Everybody, listen”, interrupted Chrstopher Robin. “Gather round. I don’t want to say his name out loud. This character will leave all your villains in the shade”.

A deathly hush descended on the group. The hobbits gathered their cloaks around them. The Pevensies hugged each other. Harry, Hermione and Ron stared at Christopher Robin in disbelief. A tear trickled down Alice’s cheek as she took his hand and held it to her quivering lips. Tom Sawyer looked blankly at Luke Skywalker  and said, “Who in tarnation is Peter Mandelson?”

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